I am writing something! Wohohohoho!
I have been reading Wendy Cheng's blog and I always want to do something like blogging but I fail miserably. I do respect those who updates and put in loads of effort into creating a meaningful entry cause mind you, updating is not as easy as one think. I probably am not too good with writing, or maybe I am just plain lazy, or I am not dedicated enough. I admit I have this bad thought, who is going to read this anyway? I'm not a somebody.
But the truth is, I WAS very dedicated! Did you see my previous entry on Happy Mother's Day and Pearly's pinky? Oh my goodness the effort I put! I was so impressed with my past self and how much I enjoyed being where I was and how much I appreciate those days. I miss myself. It's not like I am saying I don't appreciate who I am now or what kind of person I have become.
Ever since my life episodes in Malaysia, I flew 14 hours to England, hoping for a better view in life, wanting very much new experience my own country could not offer, wishing very much to learn new things, and hopefully on the way, get handsome angmo boyfriend (like you see in the movies or probably your friends), earn big bucks and brag about the travels and shopping experience and the snow!
Life is never as simple as what you hear or what you watch in movies. I was dreaming a modern day fairy tale. I realised many things since my arrival in UK.
- I am a racist, and it can't be changed. I may be jealous of the easy going life people here have, the benefits they have but most don't appreciate, the clothes they can buy even if they don't earn much and after wearing a few times or don't wear at all, sell it off in ebay and the list don't stop just yet. So getting an angmo husband? I just tossed the thought away almost immediately after arrival.
- I don't know how to approach people! I don't know why I don't know how to do that here! It felt like I very much need their almighty help that it seems they will have this look that I never like to see, or maybe I was thinking too much.
- I never really like neither do I appreciate who I have become. I'm not a God-ly, bible person, I criticize other most of the time maybe because I want to be like them. I am not a happy person, always looking for something to make myself happy or else I won't be full filled. Little do I know the happy things are always right in front of me.
- I am so laid back and full of myself. I selfishly always thought wonderful things will come to me easily, not I go to them. I always thought what I do or think is always the best, therefore I don't have to work hard for it.
- I never show people I have flaws though it is very obvious I am a flaw. I am not perfect, never am, and never will be.
- I am a Malaysian, but I never felt like one, neither am I from China though a Chinese. Seeing how 'my own' country trying to 'eradicate' other races doesn't make me feel belong.
- I love to stall and waste so much time and now I am 25 and I still have nothing.
- I hate to see other people being happy while I am miserable, and I am miserable.
After very much soul searching, I found out a few things;
- I finally grew up, late, you may think, but it is never too late to learn and mature in different expects of life.
- I learnt that I have only a few friends, but those few friends are the one that appreciates me, remembers me, cherish me and keeps me in mind as how I would.
- I may not have a fan base, but I do have loyal fans; my mother, my father, my beloved sisters (though honestly I felt we have never been close like this before, probably quarrel too much haha!), my demanding tupid brother in law, the aunties and uncles who dots on me and probably God though I have not been faithful enough.
- I should live like how I want to live, not like how I want others to think how I live. I should be more dedicated, not just saying I will, but I must.
It is not too late to appreciate what I have now I hope. And I love you and miss you very, very much, my dearest beloved family who always thinks of me.
I shall update my post more often now.
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